Getting Out of The Boat...

As I prepared myself for worship yesterday I went over in my head the service and the prayers and words and all of my responsibilities in the service. As we got to the sermon, I found myself so distracted by all that had gone on, on Saturday and all that was going on in the world that it took me out of being able to truly worship, until Rev. Cliff Wright began to preach on the text from Matthew 14 where Jesus walks on the water, and about Peter getting out of the boat. In every way, he was/is encouraging the congregation to get out of the boat, get out of their comfort zone, get out of their complacency. And as he talked about what that might mean, my mind went to what does it mean to get out of the boat in light of current events in the world? So often when I hear that text it seems blatantly obvious. “Get out of the boat, Jesus is there.” But as I listened I heard the biggest issue with getting out the boat: Fear. Not only is there a fear of the water below and drowning, but there is fear in what others will say, fear in getting too far from the boat, fear in the conflicts that will arise, fear in facing our own issues, and ultimately a fear that getting out of the boat will change everything. So what if it does?

That took me back to all that has happened over the past week. The thing that bothers me most is that this is not the first time this has happened. This is not the first show of hate and it is likely not the last. With that being said, it is happening more frequently, or maybe its always happened, its just that we are so acutely aware of this evil and its being talked about more and more. But what if getting out of the boat in this instance in time isn’t too far from the ways that MLK, Mandela, and so many others who have fought this fight before, got out of the boat?

Martin Luther King once said:

“The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral,
begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy.
Instead of diminishing evil, it multiplies it.
Through violence you may murder the liar,
but you cannot murder the lie, nor establish the truth.
Through violence you may murder the hater,
but you do not murder hate.
In fact, violence merely increases hate.
So it goes.
Returning violence for violence multiplies violence,
adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars.
Darkness cannot drive out darkness:
only light can do that.
Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.”

There has always been darkness and at different moments in history we have seen more darkness than at other moments. Right now, the world seems eerily dark. There is violence and words of hate. There is a possibility of nuclear weapons being used. There is brother fighting brother, and families disowning families. There is disunity not just in the country and world, but also in the church. There is such darkness. But we have the opportunity in this moment to step out of the boat, to step out of our comfort zone and reach out to one another. Instead of responding with hateful words or name calling and blaming, to offer words of love and hope. Instead of responding in violence, respond in love. Is it easy, not at all. In fact, I would venture to say it is one of the most difficult things we have ever been asked to do. But I do believe that “the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not [and will not] overcome it.[1]”

You may read this and think she isn't actually thinking about the issue, she is skirting it so that she doesn't have to say its wrong, it is wrong. It is wrong, hurtful, and so painful and it teaches others that it is ok to speak of another person harmfully. Or maybe your thinking, she is just being optimistic, this is an impossible task. Trust me, I agree with you, it completely seems impossible and it might get worse before it gets better. But I believe in the words of Paul as he prays for his readers in Ephesus, “now to him who by the power at work within us is able to accomplish abundantly far more than all we can ask or imagine…[2]” God can and does move in and through us, if only we are willing to get out of the boat. I don’t know what getting out of the boat looks like for you, but I am beginning to see what it means for me. Yesterday, I witnessed a people who seemed ready to get out of the boat. I agree with Rev. Wright's question: Will you join me in getting out of the boat? Knowing that it will be hard, but that God is there to be the light in the dark and lift us up when we begin to sink. May we be a people of light not willing to let the light be hidden, but shining it bright for all to see.

---

[1] John 1:5, NRSV

[2] Ephesians 3:20, NRSV

All of Me

Tonight, I found myself in the sanctuary.

 

It was quiet and dark. But once your eyes adjust, its simply home. It’s a place where I encounter God, and know that God can hear me, and that God is simply present. Not that God isn’t always present, but in that place, I KNOW.

As I sat in the quiet tonight, I finally had peace. It was a peace that I have been longing for. A peace that has seemed so distant over the last 6-9 months.

I originally went to the church tonight to grab my backpack that had homework that I needed to complete for class, but I found myself throwing the bag in my car and walking into the quiet sanctuary.

Typically, I find myself there when I have something to think about or a major decision to make, or when my sermon just won’t come to me, but tonight I didn’t expect to find myself there. I had a plan, and the plan fell through.

Over the last six years I have had to deal with the plan falling through, the plan that I had once made for my life, but its like someone said yesterday, “you want to make God laugh, tell God your plans.” For the most part, I am fine with where I have landed, but there has still that part of me that isn’t.

This morning I was talking to a friend in the congregation who was going to be helping me with something important later, and she said to me, “I am not worthy.” My response was quick, “none of us are worthy, but God finds that we are worth it, that is the beauty of grace.” As I responded I thought about what I had just said.

For the most part, the last six years have been moments of myself telling myself that I am not worthy. Almost five years ago, my plan changed. That change for me brought a lot of turmoil. Like any change, I had to relearn who I was, and what I was supposed to be. Not only have I dealt with a broken relationship, but I wrestled with my call. I know that God has called me to be a disciple, but I have often questioned, has God really called me to be a pastor?

Often my first response is the question: “Am I doing this because people said I would be good at it?” (Though truth to be told, there were many more people that thought I couldn’t even be a Youth Minister, much less a pastor of a church, but I did not know that until recently, thankfully!) And often times that was enough of a question to make me question my call as a whole.

Over the last 6 months, I have been working on Commissioning work. If you don’t know what that means, It is the next step towards ordination after Seminary. The last 6 months have been the hardest for me to stay on this path, that I DO feel that God called me to. It has been eye-opening in so many ways, and difficult in others. It has brought up things of the past that have hurt me, and brought out my deepest fears of failure. It has made me feel completely vulnerable in every way. There have been many moments when I wanted to give up and walk away because it was hard, or because I felt that I was a mess (apparently, many that I have spoken to have felt this way when doing this work, makes me glad to know that I am not alone.) Even once I turned it in, I felt sick to my stomach, always fearing that it isn’t enough.

Tonight, I sat in an empty sanctuary, just thinking. God (and the people that God has placed in my life) has gotten me to this point. God pulled me through some dark moments, where it seemed light would never shine again. And here I sat, afraid. I began to sing It is Well, and I realized that it is ok. Even if I don’t get commissioned, it doesn’t mean my calling ceases to exist, it simply means I have more learning to do. I found peace, and in the day that we began advent, I found hope.

For some reason, God has called me to this. God has gifted me with the ability to preach and God has gifted me with the ability to love people. And hear me when I say, I truly do love what I do, and I truly do love what God has called me be. But I still have a lot to learn no matter what and I am beginning to really understand that being a disciple truly takes all of us, and for me to be a pastor, it has taken and will continue to take all of me. Ultimately, all of me is what I gave God many years ago, I pray that I will not try to take it back. I pray that God can truly have ALL OF ME.

I guess I should probably finish that homework now...

The Escape Plan

I have an escape plan. My escape plan does not usually help the situation; usually it just puts it aside for a moment, and allows me to step into someone else's shoes. It allows me to see the world from someone else's perspective. But mostly, my escape plan reminds me of hope and joy. When life gets particularly hard, I escape to another world. A world where the good guy always wins, a world sometimes full of animation, a world where people fall in love, a world where the end is usually another beautiful beginning, my world is a world of fiction.

If you haven't guessed, my escape plan is movies and books. One time when I was having a particularly bad day, and needed an escape, I walked into a theater and simply asked, "What movie is about to start?" The movie was Alexander and The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, That was just poetic. There are other days when it has nothing to do with my mood, I just want to see a good movie; today was one of those days. I went with some friends to see Mr. Holmes. The movie was fantastic and it was filmed in a beautiful location, and oh yea, it was British. It was profound and truly beautiful, I left the theater with tear-stained cheeks and something to think about for a while.

My other escape plan, books, can really only happen during summer and winter break, so because I begin school in a couple of weeks, I am trying to finish all of the books that I have started since the Spring semester ended. The problem I have is that I keep beginning to read other books and never actually finish the ones I start. So in trying to finish one, I picked up another: Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. It was one of those books that I had been told I should read many times, but just couldn't get on the bandwagon. But I picked it up at the bookstore, and began to read. I read it cover to cover in about two days. It truly changed my life. It was a book about redemption. Redemption that seems to be only in the form of a man loving a woman, but in reality its about teaching a woman that she is worthy of being loved, not just by a man who adores her, but by God. The interesting thing is that God teaches the woman this through her husband. It was an unconditional type of love that was truly a gift from God.

Why is any of this important? I have had a good life, but for a long time I have found it hard to remember my own worth and at the same time to receive the grace and love of God. Interestingly, the books and movies have reminded me that God shows me my worth and ultimately, has shown me God's love through my friends and family. It wasn't what I anticipated, but for me it has been a source of redemption. 

My mom says, "God's timing is perfect, wait on God's timing."Often times, its hard to wait for God's timing, but my escape plan has shown me time and time again that I have all I need for right now, and the best thing that I can do is live my life to the fullest, and to love God and everyone around me. And for me, the best way that I know how to love those around me is to be present in their lives, and to allow them to be present in mine. I hope and pray that those whom I love will know how dearly loved and cared for they are, just as they have shown me how loved and cared for I am. 

God in the Form of a Little Boy

The last few weeks I have been so concerned with so many different things that I had or have to do, and sometimes it seems like the days just pass by. With each passing day, my list gets longer, and at times the harder it is to see God through all the mess that seems to get in the way.

This morning when I arrived at the Sanctuary, I walked in and met a little boy that I had never met before, so naturally I asked his name and how old he was. He was so excited to tell me that he was 7, but that he just turned 7, but they had to have his birthday the day before his birthday. His birthday was in November, so I wished him a happy late, late birthday! His little sister sitting beside him told me how old she was and when her birthday was, and it was a truly delightful conversation.

I soon went to find my seat toward the middle of the sanctuary. As I began to sit down, I felt a tickle in my throat and because I have been sick over the last few days, I was afraid that I would have a coughing fit in the middle of service, so I moved to the back row, so it would be easy to slip out if need be. I sat right next to this little boy.

The service started and the handbell choir played beautifully. As we all stood for the Call to Worship and first hymn, I looked over at the little boy. It was obvious that he hasn't seen much of a church service. His mom, who serves as his foster mom, was showing him line by line as we read through the Call to Worship and singing in his ear as we sang the first hymn.

The service went on, and I watched this little family. The little boy tried so hard to follow along and toward the middle of the service, we stood for the next hymn, and I noticed he hadn't opened his hymnal, so I leaned over and I said, I'll trade you. He took my hymnal and we sang together line by line. It was a moment.

As I stood next to him singing the words into his ear, I couldn't help but smile. That little boy and his beautiful family was God. To listen to him say the Lord's Prayer, just a step behind the congregation, to hear him sing the hymns, and read the Nicene Creed. And then to hear his mom leading his words, saying ti loud enough for him to be able to follow. To be able to experience worship with them was truly a gift.

Before the sermon, I began to have a coughing fit and had to leave, but I have thought about that little boy all day. I have thought about the joy he had in sharing about his birthday. I thought about his little voice singing. I have wondered what was it like for him this morning? Did he enjoy the singing? Or hearing the children's moment? Or going to Children's Church? Did he get something out of it? Did he experience God this morning?

I hope he did.

Tonight, as I drove home, I was listening to Delilah on the radio, and a lady came on talking about her daughter. Her daughter made some not so great decisions, and when asked about how the mom would handle it, she said, "We may not always like their decisions, but they are my children, and I will love them and be there for them."

I thought of that little boy and his mom. I thought of the teenagers and parents I work with on a daily basis. I thought of my Mom and Dad.

I thought of God. God does that everyday.

Its amazing what a little boy and a mom can teach you without speaking to you. Its amazing how God places little moments in your life to remind you of God's presence. While I know the little boy's name, you don't need to. So I will ask that you quote Maria from the Sound of Music, "God Bless what's his name. And I pray for you, that you may experience a God moment. And maybe you will experience God through a little boy or a little girl just like I did.

Thanks be to God for the children that we meet or know that change our lives everyday!