Next?

The last few days have been insane. Insane not because I have had a lot going on, but insane because of one question. The question of, "what is your next step?" Typically when people ask me that question, I automatically respond with "when the time comes, I will go where I am sent." But that person responded with you can have a plan, and talk about next steps. While I knew this to be the case, to an extent. That statement completely threw me for a loop.

It threw me so much, that it made me question everything, including the am I good enough? Can I really do this? God, are you really calling me to this? Can I really be a pastor? I am so scared, what if this goes all wrong and God really isn't calling me here?

Yesterday, I felt deflated and struggled the whole day with that question. I spoke to a dear friend, and she promised to pray as I go through this process of discernment. She gave me some words of encouragement that brought peace though. I heard one of her sermons recently, and she said something like "when you are called, God will give you the grace and ability to do it." And when I said that to her, she reminded me that sometimes you go into something and those things are given to you as you live into that call. That statement again rocked me.

I spent the evening in a space of just trying to listen through whatever I was doing. I watched a new movie, and it put me in tears. It was like I just needed to cry, and that movie started a really good cry. When I thought I was finished crying, I turned on some music. All Sons and Daughters', "Longing", came on and it just put me back into tears.

"Love is and always was
The longing place inside my heart
To know You
And be known by you"

And then reading words from the inspirational and amazing person, Mother Teresa, that spoke about Christ being in every person you meet. I went to bed thinking about what it all meant. I didn't know why it sent me into tears, I just knew that it did.

Today, there were three specific moments that showed me that I am where I am supposed to be.

1. I went to a clergy district meeting this morning and we went through the Wesley Covenant service. Wesley's covenant prayer is very dear to me, because that it was during that prayer in 2008, that I accepted the call to be a pastor. I couldn't say "I am no longer mine own, but thine..." without accepting it. So when we said it today, and I was amongst clergy who I respect and am lucky enough to call some of them friends, I again stopped, and also heard my friend Susan's voice in my head that said, "God is not a God of fear, but a God of love." Which reminded me of my own fear of not being enough. When I began to say "I am no longer my own, but yours..." I could feel God releasing so much fear and tension inside of me.

2. We had our annual SPRC meeting tonight where they decide if they want each clergy to remain at the church or if they want to request for them to move. And as I sat down, they asked me basic questions like who was I (for the new people on the committee), what did I do, etc. as I spoke, I could feel my passion for these kids. When I walked into my office afterwards, my thought was I love what I do, why am I so afraid that God isn't calling me here? Why am I not able to here the affirmation around me?

3. When I got home, I decided to go for a walk. It was a cold, beautiful night, and I wanted to experience it. As I walked to the coffee shop in the middle of town from my apartment,  I passed several restaurants and businesses, one of the those businesses was the library. As I was passing the library I noticed that there was someone sitting outside of the library just huddled up against the wall. I kept walking. I got myself a chai tea and began my walk back. As I got to the corner (where the church is), I stopped. I was thinking about that person by the library. I went back to the coffee shop and got a hot chocolate. I couldn't walk past the library with a hot drink without having one for the person sitting there. I stopped at the library, spoke to the person, gave them the hot chocolate, and left. As I walked back I stopped at the depot and just sat down. 

It was a moment. A beautiful moment. I took in the sky around me and the image in front of me as I sat there (the pictures below). And I listened to the music in my ears. Again, "Longing" came on. 

Love is and always was
The longing place inside my heart
To know You
And be known by You 

And it hit me. I am where I am supposed to be. As long as I can find myself at that longing place, the place of love and remembering the words of Mother Teresa, Christ is in each person that we meet, and as long as I can continue to live into that prayer: "I am no longer my own, but thine..." I will be fine and will be where I am called to be.

I still have those fears, I am still well aware of my downfalls, and I still feel rocked, but at this point, I will stick with my answer. I will go where I am sent, and when it's time to go, God will send me. Whether it be through me saying I am ready for what is next, or the Bishop calling me somewhere else. I will go, until then I am ok, in fact I am good.