The Place Where the Lost Things Go...

It might not surprise you, but I have seen Mary Poppins Returns 2 times, with two different groups of people, and plan to see it a third time tomorrow with friends. Each time as the movie ends, I can’t help but be in awe of the magic, and the way that Mary Poppins makes you think everything is possible, even the impossible. This movie is moving and inspiring. It makes you smile, laugh, and cry all within about a 2-hour span. To see the way that Mary can help children find their imagination and find their childhood again. To watch her as she is one of the most empathetic people, who truly asks for nothing in return, she just wants to help and every time that the camera pans to her face, you see that she feels so deeply for the Banks family. This movie invites us to approach difficult topics with children, topics like death. Death often makes us uncomfortable and it often causes sadness, both of which make us not want to talk about it, sometimes not allowing the space for questions, thoughts, or memories to be talked about. The other part of this is that death often begs the question (especially for children), "what if I forget?" There is no easy answer, but I feel like Mary Poppins responds in a beautiful and simple way in the song, The Place Where the Lost Things Go.

The words go like this:

Do you ever lie awake at night?

Just between the dark and the morning light

Searching for the things you used to know

Looking for the place where the lost things go

Do you ever dream or reminisce? 

Wondering where to find what you truly miss

Well maybe all those things that you love so

Are waiting in the place where the lost things go

Memories you've shared gone for good you feared 

They're all around you still though they've disappeared

Nothing's really left or lost without a trace

Nothing's gone forever only out of place

So maybe now the dish and my best spoon

Are playing hide and seek just behind the moon

Waiting there until it's time to show

Spring is like that now far beneath the snow

Hiding in the place where the lost things go

Time to close your eyes so sleep can come around

For when you dream you'll find all that's lost is found

Maybe on the moon or maybe somewhere new

Maybe all you're missing lives inside of you

So when you need her touch and loving gaze

Gone but not forgotten is the perfect phrase

Smiling from a star that she makes glow

Trust she's always there watching as you grow

Find her in the place where the lost things go

Every time that I see this film and hear this song, I automatically think of those in my life that I have lost, and right now, I am really thinking about my Meme.

Meme, my grandmother would have been 85 years old on January 2. Meme was my heart. She understood me, she made me laugh when I was sad, she calmed me when I was mad at my mom, her daughter, eventually helping me understand that my mom was right. She gave me my love for musicals by watching them with me. She would stand by the door waiting for me as I came home from a date, and the first question was always, "How did it go? Did he kiss you?" She was always interested in what was going on in any of her grandkids or children's lives. She wanted what was best for them and would do anything to make it happen. 

She loved people, especially her people, and she among others taught me how to love people. She had the same hairdresser that she went to see every Friday morning and whom she followed around for years. They genuinely cared about each other, and when Meme was too frail to go to her hairdresser, she came to Meme. When Meme lost her hair because of the chemo, she painted her nails. Meme loved her, and she loved Meme. Meme was the kind of person that others wanted to love, as well. 

She had the oddest first name, and truth be told I don't think she liked it much. But to us, she was our Meme and that’s all that mattered. She had a way of lighting up a room when she walked in it. She taught me many things: the joy of cooking and watching people eat the meal you made; she taught me how to listen (though often towards the end, she would fall asleep on me); she and my mom taught me how to love by giving thoughtful and meaningful gifts; She taught me how to love by letting me sit in her floor below her bed when I couldn't sleep, and eventually she would wake up and play with my hair and talk until I got tired. 

When I was in middle school and high school, meme lived with us, and one of her favorite things to do was to get out of the house and go for a drive every day, and often on that drive she would buy white chocolate Reese's and put them in the fridge when she got home. Inevitably I would find my way to the fridge after school for a drink or a snack, and there they were sitting in the door waiting for me to eat one. Her favorite snack, however, was sugar and salt. She used to hide different foods in her nightstand, so mom couldn't find them, she was diabetic and was on a low sodium diet. I always kept her secret! Though if I had known how dangerous those foods were for her, I might not have. But then maybe she wouldn't have shared her pringles at 2am. Lol!

The other thing that really reminds me of Meme is the cross that I often wear around my neck. That was the last gift she ever gave me. I was 16 years old, and she gave this cross that she used to wear around her neck every day for as long as I could remember, and promised me when I was about 5 years old (walking around with this long chain and a gold cross at the end) that I would get it when I turned 16. She held that promise, even though I had long forgotten it. 

You never know how much you’re going to miss those people that mean the absolute most to you until you lose them. Meme never saw me graduate. She never saw me wear that dress to Prom. She'll never hear me preach and do what I am called to do. She'll never meet my future husband or her great-grandchildren. She'll never meet her two great-grandchildren that exist right now, and she'll never see her children grow old. 

I can't lie, even now I miss my Meme. I miss her love of the Chicago Bulls (even though this was really because Micahel Jordan played for the Bulls), I miss her laugh and I miss her. I wish I could have one more day and tell her how much I love her. I never got to tell her because the last time I saw her, I struggled through a psalm as I read it to her, and I couldn't put two words together to tell her how much I loved her. I just kissed her on the forehead and said I would be back. I thought I had more time. But I didn't. 

I know she knew how much I loved her. Just like I know how much she loved me. But I still miss her. 

I think one of the things that I have learned about grief, not just by living my own grief but by watching others grieve, is that grief doesn’t ever go away. In some ways, it’s always there. But it changes over time. The memories become bittersweet, sometimes you think of them and smile, and there will always be triggers, some you learn to deal with because you see them coming and some come out of nowhere. Nothing ever goes back to the same after you lose someone, you simply find a new normal. And the hardest part is that the new normal only include them in your heart and memories. 

Then my mind goes back to the lyrics from Mary Poppins Returns:

So, when you need her touch and loving gaze
Gone but not forgotten is the perfect phrase
Smiling from a star that she makes glow
Trust she's always there watching as you grow
Find her in the place where the lost things go

Meme has been gone now for 15 years. It’s hard to believe that it’s been that long, yet there are still moments when I see something that reminds me of her, especially when I look in the mirror and take the time to really see the cross around my neck or anytime I see those white chocolate Reese’s Cups; it brings a smile to my face, a flashback to my mind, and often a tear in my eye.

But you know what... I am ok with that. I want to remember those moments, even the ones that weren’t life-altering because it’s in those fleeting moments that I can hear or see her once more. And while I don’t live only in those moments, every once in a while, it’s nice to remember and smile because I know that she is watching me grow and that Meme is the place where the lost things go.