Reality

Reality Check…

You know those weeks when it feels like nothing was easy and it always took so much more time to complete a task
than you thought it should? Yea, it was one of those weeks. This week has been hard. It was a long week with wonderful moments and some very difficult moments. I wasn’t always my best this week, yet my husband still made sure that I had bath salts to help me relax, held me when I hit bottom, and didn’t judge me for eating the 2 Mexican pizzas on Thursday night (yea, you read that right). And in the moments when I needed to apologize- which felt like every time I turned around-for being short, most people didn’t even notice and/or were very forgiving.

Then on Friday, I picked Hazel up from school. I got her a little earlier than usual to go and get her tap shoes before her new dance class. To say that she was excited is quite an understatement. We talked about dancing all the way to the shop and then all the way to the studio. Even though I haven’t known Hazel and Jack for long- it feels like I have loved them all their life. So her excitement became my excitement.

I picked her up from dance an hour later and we headed home. On the way I asked how dance was and if she liked it. (Truth be told- she has told us and her mom that “her dance teacher taught her…” for almost a year, sometimes being quite convincing- so we thought it was a safe bet that she would enjoy it.) She talked about it the whole way home and told me several times that “I will teach you what we learned when we get home.” When we got home, she put on her tap shoes and showed me what she learned. Then she looked at me and said, “where are your tap shoes?” I just laughed and said, well I guess I should get a pair, shouldn’t I?😆

We went along with our evening, Jack came home- I ran an errand- and by the time I got home it was about time for bed. However I hadn’t eaten yet, so I go to the fridge and Nick had left a plate for me- that he and Jack (and Hazel sort of) made. They are both learning a bit more about how to cook simple meals- something my mom and dad taught me and will teach them- though Jack tells us that he won’t ever need to know how to cook a meal for a date.😂

Nick and I have a routine with Hazel. He bathes her, I get her dressed, brush her hair, and then we pick out what she will wear the next day. Then I kiss her goodnight and daddy reads a book and she goes to sleep. Most of that happened Friday night.

The weekend went by without too much difficulty- we saw my family- which is always a good time and then a friend came to be with us last night which completely delighted the kids. They love Camron! I made dinner and we enjoyed each other’s company, playing games, Mario Kart, laughing and then finally getting in bed.

Earlier this evening, we lived into our other thing that has become a routine: Hazel and I take Jack to his mom on Sundays while Nick goes to practice handbells. It is a rare moment where it’s just me and the kids.

Sometimes we listen to music, sometimes we talk, sometimes one plays on their tablet while the other plays on their switch and I just have music softly playing. Tonight it was the latter. We dropped Jack off and headed home.

I knew that Nick would be late tonight because of taking Camron home- so we stopped and had dinner at our favorite place-Chuys. We ate dinner, and came home, I gave her a bath, and put her PJs on. Tonight though she was a bit cold, so I asked her “would you like for me to dry your hair tonight.” She said, yea! So we sat on my bed and I dried her hair. Afterward, we cuddled up and watched the “Presenting Olaf” shorts, read a book and now she is settled in bed. 

All these moments seem like simple things. But really- they are big things. You see all my life I wanted to be a mom- to love a child the way my mom loved me. I get to love them often, but as I dried her hair, it was like time stopped. I thought back to when I was a kid and my mom dried my hair (it’s still one of my favorite things, by the way), and I realized, I may not be Jack and Hazel’s mother (nor would I ever try to take their place- they get that special title) but I get to love and care for them like my mom (and dad) cared for me.

Tonight I needed the extra cuddles, the conversation (even if it was minimal in the car with Jack), I need the laughter, the peace, and the sweet little prayer that Hazel saidbefore bed. I needed to be reminded of the beauty even within the chaos- even when the chaos is not what I had envisioned. I needed to be reminded of how grateful I am that I get to love not only their daddy- but these 2 amazing kids!

It’s really easy to get bogged down in all the “stuff,” and forget to be present. I am thankful that tonight I could be. 

Happy Birthday Nick!!

I have been married for about a year and 4 months. People often ask me “how is being married?” Let me start by saying, I am in a constant state of growing and learning, some of which is very painful. I have no answers, only questions. With that being said, I would answer this question by saying, “It’s good.” But after some time I felt like that wasn’t a good answer, because it wasn’t fully truthful. I then moved to “it’s challenging but good.” But again, I felt like it wasn’t a true answer. So my statement is now, “It’s a challenge where I am learning and growing every day, but I wouldn’t trade it.”

I feel like that is as truthful as I can get because the reality of it is that MARRIAGE IS HARD. 

Some days it is great- everyone is in a good mood, everything goes just as it’s supposed to, Dinner comes out perfectly, the dog does what he is supposed to do, and we get the kids to bed with ease.

But other days may not be as good- Someone might be in a bad mood, or kids not following directions making everything more difficult. We are pressing one another’s buttons, or our frustrations get the best of us. Dinner isn’t great, and the dog is just barking at everyone or using the restroom in the house. 

And sometimes they are just bad- an argument or a fight just puts everyone in a horrible place. A trigger causes a meltdown, or simply a meltdown happens with no reason. Dinner was burned and you had to order pizza. The kids or your spouse are particularly irritable. Something breaks that you have to figure out how to fix. This list can be endless, let’s be real.

While marriage is definitely hard- it is beautiful. And I get to do it with a really good man. We both have our faults and have some major arguments at times, and some days it is a choice to love each other and work through the struggles that exist.

Yesterday was this man’s birthday. Nick turned 34. We spent the day together with Hazel- while missing Jack who was in school. We did all the things that Nick wanted to do: We had breakfast at First Watch- which was delicious. Went to Hobby Lobby (believe it or not, Nick’s decision), laughed a lot, and watched a movie or two. Nick and I had a wonderful dinner at Highway 55 in Nolensville. The pimento cheeseburger was one of the best I have had and their onion rings- YES! Try it! Then we went to Lowes and bought plants that he is planting today… it was a great day! 

As I reflect on yesterday and every day with Nick, even in the midst of the challenges- I fall more in love with him every day. 

Watching the way that he loves the kids, playing with them, dancing, laughing, telling really bad jokes, cooking with them, using his gift of many different voices making the kids laugh. Knowing how he cares for me- often in ways that I don’t even recognize. Seeing him overcome all that he has overcome. Caring for him as he takes care of himself. And so much more! 

Being on this journey with him, walking alongside him, loving Hazel and Jack as though they were my own, and laughing with him has been a joy- even when dealing with all the difficult stuff that arises- I will just name one- being a stepmom is hard. Our life is so far from perfect yet I wouldn’t trade it. I love this life that we have built and cannot wait to see what the next many years will bring us, the lessons we will learn, and the many ways in which I know we will have to choose to love one another in spite of the hurt that can be caused in loving one another.

I want to say Happy Birthday my love. You have taught me so much, not just patience ;) but also about love, joy, how to be a good parent, and how to be kind when you want to be anything but. You push me to be the best I can be, and to think beyond what I have always known. You have always been honest with me and loved me even when I felt unlovable. You are truly a gift that has been given to me. I am so thankful that we found one another again- even if it took 15 years to get here.

Just a side note: Something I have learned... you never stop learning about your partner. Today, I learned that is it dangerous to take Nick to Lowe's... I never knew how much he loves plants.