Thankful.

Growing up, I always dreamed of being a mom. While having a career would be part of my journey, my biggest hope and dream was to find someone to spend my life with and become a mom.

4 years ago, I found someone to spend my life with after meeting him and beginning to fall in love with him 15 years earlier. He is funny, irritatingly smart (sometimes too smart for his own good), loving, caring, and sometimes maddening. But we are a good fit and make each other better most days. :) Throughout our journey together, we embarked on the second part of that dream, and while the journey is still ongoing, it has proven to be more difficult than I could have ever imagined. It has been heartbreaking and, at times, quite brutal on my body, heart, and mind.

Through it all, I have had Nick and the children who came into the marriage with him. They have taught me resilience even when it's hard. They have taught me to laugh more, to engage the child within me (something I struggle with), and to never be afraid of creativity- there is always room for it. While it hasn't been perfect by any means, and some days are harder than others, I wouldn't trade it.

Jack has taught me the power of one-line comedic timing that is so sarcastic it even stuns his father (who, in many ways, is his match). He has taught me resilience in a way that no other person has. He has taught me more and more about how to love wholeheartedly and reminded me what it looks like to stand up for your friends and take care of your friends. He has learned how to make my spaghetti and insists on making the sauce whenever we make it at home. I love watching him grow as he grows into himself. He has graciously loved Hazel, the big brother she loves so deeply. And even though he will be 14 in a couple of weeks, he still has those moments of wanting to be with Nick and me to play games (even when it's because we have taken the technology away. lol!) and even inviting Nick into the online games he plays with his friends! (Also, Jack hates having his photo taken! So I don't have many.)

Hazel, the complete opposite of Jack (and loves to have her photo taken) but who wants to be like her big brother, has taught me just as much. She reminds me of what it was like with my mom. We cook/bake together, (my favorite thing now is when I ask if she wants to help, she goes to the drawer, gets out her apron and my apron (even though I don't typically cook with an apron on, that's really for baking), brings it to me, sets up her stool, and just looks at me with this look that says, "I'm ready." We love to watch movies together and cuddle (I don't know how many times I have seen "Rise of Red”), and I have loved introducing her to all the old Disney channel movies (which Irible they are, now see how to but it doesn't matter, I still love them). She has shown us that she is a roller coaster junkie- so she will ride all the rides that her height will allow with me. She has a love of musicals and is always performing. She has reminded me of how we can be creative throughout our lives and in doing arts and crafts.  I have never met anyone who loves arts and crafts as much as she does. She is all-girl, which means that we have spa nights and other fun nights like it. We regularly have manicures at the house, and she loves going to the nail salon to get mani/pedis. One of my favorite things that she has said was when I said I needed a mani/pedi one day, she said, "ok. Let's go." My response was, "Are you planning to go with me." She looked at me with a "duh" look and said, "Don't I always?" She does not. Lol. She blows my mind with her vocabulary (something thather get from her dad), and she is kind, happy, I have watched and loving on most days, even as she experiences the chaos of living in two different homes. 

While the possibility is increasing that I may never be a mom, I am so lucky to be a stepmom to Jack and Hazel. They make my life brighter, way crazier, chaotic, and sometimes a complete whirlwind! Being a stepmom comes with its unique challenges and difficulties, and while there have been many tears and frustrations throughout this journey, there has also been so much joy that I would have never experienced if they had not been in my life. As Hazel becomes 7 tomorrow and Jack becomes 14 on the 28th, I can't help but be excited to see who they will become but also how much more they will teach me. I am so thankful they let me love and care for them. 

Happy birthday, Hazel and Jack! 

I love you, always!