Create in me a Clean Heart, O God!

You know those moments when someone makes a decision that simply make no sense to you?

I had one of those moments today, and it made me mad because I couldn't understand why the decision that was reached was actually reached. It made NO sense, and even when I tried to see from the other person's perspective, it just made me even madder. How did they come to this decision? Why did they come to this decision? NO sense I tell you!

I vented to a dear friend about it, and she usually gets the brunt of whatever is going on in my life (Poor lady!I thank God for her everyday! Let me take this moment to say, if you don't have a friend (who is not your significant other) who you can be mad, angry, crazy, overly excited, or to just have the giggles with, I hope you find it. It really is a gift!). Anyhow, I vented, and walked away. I went to run an errand about an hour later, and walked back into my office to find two books laying face down on my desk. I read the first one's title, and then the second one's title. 

The second one (I thought) clued me in as to why they were on my desk. It was about letting go of resentment. I just thought, some days I jus don't like her. I knew that my dear friend had put these on my desk. As I read through the first one (printed below), I began to have tears in my eyes, because I knew I needed to let go of the resentment that I held for the person that made the decision I didn't like. I was/am becoming bitter because I just don't understand. (I don't like not understanding!)

A few minutes after I started reading that friend walked in my door, and said, "what do you think?" I didn't respond right away, and she said, "do you think that would work for what your looking for?" 

What I haven't told you is that I asked her for help in finding an "Act of Forgiveness" for the youth to do before taking communion at Discovery Weekend. The idea was within the reading. I didn't tell her what I had thought about what she put in front of me, I just changed my thoughts to discovery and we figured out a beautiful act of forgiveness.

It's kind of funny though if you think about it, I have been so bitter lately, because I don't know why. And though it wasn't meant for me to find in that way, I did. Those moments when God is so very evident, its like God is talking directly to you, trying to get your attention in any way God can, and God uses friends and simple words written by Joyce Rupp.

I have let resentment and bitterness be inside of me for so long, and I didn't really know it was there for the longest time. But as it sits, it grows, until  you can no longer suppress it. I saw it today. It was so evident, and though the book wasn't meant to affect me in that way (or maybe it was, she is sneaky like that!), it did. I really do pray that God will "create in my a clean heart." I don't want to be bitter. I want to be joyful… The words of Joyce Rupp really do speak clearly for me…

I hope the youth encounter God in this reading just as much, if not more than I have...

Love Does Happen!

When I was 20 years old, I began dating a man who I thought would be my forever. Not only was he really nice to look at, but he was smart, he was funny, and supportive in my call to be a pastor. Something that I was not at all confident in. We dated for four years, and then I broke it off, I still believe I made the right decision for both of us, and he agrees. However, today would have been 6 years together. While four years is a long time, I never realized how much loving another person would impact who I am today.

Love can really bring out the best in someone, and it can bring out the worst. It's hard to see someone for who they really are when you start dating them (my friend, Michael, calls it idealizing that person, or making them who you think they should be or who you want them to be), but after a while, you really have no choice but accept them for who they are. That's an act of love, and you have a choice to make at that point, to let go and move on or stick with it. I chose to stick with it for a long while.

Loving him allowed me to feel deeper than I ever felt for anyone before, it showed me that a person can fully love someone with all of their being. It proved that love can be one of the most beautiful things, its not just some fantasy that is dreamed up in a disney movie where life turns out perfect no matter how it started because you found your "prince charming." Love is so much more than that. It's knowing that the person who you have chosen will love you completely, faults and all. It's hard. Love is really hard at times. Those times when you completely disagree, or don't know how to settle an argument, or you feel totally alone in the relationship. Love can be so hard, but when you bounce back from those moments (and if you have the right person, you will), you find that its totally worth it. Love is definitely all of the feelings that come with it, but its also the head, its choosing to love someone everyday, and some days will be easier than others.

I may not have married this man, but I would have, in a heartbeat, I truly loved him. The thing is, it just wasn't right. So we split and went our separate ways.

Oddly enough, we do talk every now and then, and he is still so very supportive of my dreams, while I am supportive of his dreams. But one thing that I found in that relationship that I really didn't expect is that love can sometimes mean letting go.

Letting go of this life you thought you would have. Letting go of this wonderful man who you love with all of you being. Letting go of the hope of loving this man and only this man for the rest of your life. Letting go of tomorrow, and simply living day by day, hoping and praying that God will bring you to the next, because it hurts so much to let go.

As I think about the day ahead of me tomorrow, I think about this man. I think of the love that we had, and though it was far from perfect, for us, it was true. I think of all of the many things that he taught me, and those things that I taught him (Those are some funny stories!) I think of the fact that he and I will both love again (and hopefully that isn't too far down the road). I think of how many times he stayed up late with me so he could proof a sermon, or let me freak out, or to simply sit and be with me. I think of the times that I dropped ice cream off at his house and left it by the door, knocked and ran, so I didn't disturb him while he studied for a test. I think of the numerous times we made dinner together and talked for hours. I think about the funny times in our relationship, and the road trips we took. I think about his family, and how much I love and respect who they are. I think of him.

Tomorrow will come and go, and every day after that. People will come and go in and out of my life, and as I get older, I find that they come and go more quickly than before. If I can give you any advice, from someone who let love go (even if it was the right thing to do), tell the people that you love, you love them. I learned to live by that philosophy when my grandfather died suddenly, and I hope that this man knew how much I loved him, just as I hope those who I love know that I love them now. But on days like tomorrow, I found I desired to tell that man I loved him every second of that day, and a part of me wishes that I would have driven him nuts telling him that everyday that we were together.

Please don't keep the love that you have inside of you, let it out, don't waste a minute. Love does happen, and love is completely worth it. Alfred Lord Tennyson said "Tis better to have lived and loved, than never to have loved at all." My life has changed because I have loved. I hope that you find that your life has been changed too by loving someone and being loved by someone. And if it hasn't yet, just you wait. It is completely worth the wait.

Not what I thought it would be...

Today is just one of those days…

If someone asked me today how I was, my response would be, "I am fine."

The word fine is used when you really either don't want to talk about it, or you don't want to say I am bad, but you know you aren't good. So you say I am fine.

I honestly never thought my life would be the way it is. I saw it happening so differently. Let me preface this by saying, I really do have a wonderfully, blessed life, it just wasn't what I thought.

I had this idea growing up that I would fall in love in college, marry that person, have children and a career, and love my family forever.

While the first came true, I did fall in love in college, but it didn't work, and still two years later, I haven't met the one person that I want to spend my life with. I most definitely don't have children or that family that I have always dreamed of. And I am in a job, that growing up wouldn't have even been a possibility. My life isn't turning out the way I expected, and I am somewhat mourning that loss.

With that being said, I have a great life. I have a job that I love and feel called to, it has its ups and downs but what job doesn't. Even though I do not have children, I have many youth that I would love to consider my own, and I love them as such. I have a family that loves, cares for and supports me. I have friends who even if they are at home in their PJ's on their day off, welcome me over because I am having a crisis, and they love me even though I am sometimes an emotional wreck. I am truly blessed.

I don't know why things happen like they do. Whether its what some would call "divine intervention" or whether its based on a choice I have made, or even just a part of life. Life isn't what I expected.

It has great moments; like graduation, falling in love, children, marriage, a really good cookie or cake. It has hard moments; like finding out you or someone you love is sick, death, heartbreak, divorce, and sometimes even change. Even in those moments though I choose to believe that God is amongst them. What does that even mean? God is with us. How does that make us feel better when life isn't what we thought? It makes me feel better because just knowing that there is someone who is always present in every moment of our lives, and knowing that there is a being that loved me so much that they gave something up for me.

I guess when I think about it, I shouldn't actually mourn the life I don't have, I should be happy with the life I do have. I know one day all of those things will happen, I believe in that, it may not happen the way I think it will (I have to come to terms with that), but they will happen. It might be 20 years before I meet the love of my life, but I will meet him and love him. I might not ever have kids naturally, but I could adopt. Whatever happens, I should be happy with what I do have because the reality is there are so many others whose life isn't turning out the way they wanted to you, and you as a reader may be in the same boat, but maybe we can encourage one another to see the good and choose optimism rather than skepticism or pessimism. Maybe its reminding each other that God is with us, and that there are people in your corner even if you never know their name or hear their voice. Maybe its continuing to whisper in the ears of each other to "keep going." So friend, if you are reading this and you feel like you are "just fine" and aren't happy because your life isn't like you thought it would be, keep going, because maybe when you look back, you will find that your life was richer and happier and even more amazing than you ever thought it would be. Or you may look back and think I wish my dream had come true, but at least I gave everything that I had. My prayer for you is that you will find happiness in the life you lead, not in the dream of the life you wanted.

KEEP GOING!

I am not ready...

At some point over the last week, I heard a story of a man who was just never ready for what he was facing… First, he wasn't ready to go to college, or graduate for college. Then he got married, and he said he wasn't ready for that, then he had a couple of children that again he wasn't ready for. After a while, he became Vice President of the company that he worked for at the age of 45. Eventually he would become the CEO. At each stage, he said he wasn't ready. So he went to a cave, and vowed to not come out until he was good and ready.

There are times when I feel like that old man. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS. When I stepped into this role of Youth minister, I told the senior pastor I didn't want it, and after talking about it for a little bit I reluctantly agreed. My thought was I am not ready for this, and I know that there were a few people who thought the same thing I thought, she is not ready for this role. But as I stepped into it, I found that I had the knowledge and the gifts to do it. In saying yes though, I found myself having to rely more fully on God. While still saying I am not ready. I have since taken on the role of being a local pastor and being appointed to where I am now. In taking on that role, I have agreed to be itinerant. If you don't know what that means, it means if someone calls me and says they would like for me to move churches, I will agree. Agreeing to be itinerant is not exactly what I thought I would ever do. I like having control of every situation I am in, and I have no control over where I will be. THAT IS SCARY. I am not ready.

I often feel like I am not ready, or I feel like I cannot do this. 

At the same time, I can hear the scriptures in my head, "I will be with you, until the very end of the age. For nothing is impossible with God. Nothing can separate you from God." To know that we are not alone, no matter how alone we feel. To know that God is there walking beside us. The thing is though, I still don't feel like I am ready.

Yet, I continue to say yes. I continue to feel uncomfortable. I continue to do things that I think I cannot. It says nothing about me, but says everything about God. 

I am right, you know, I cannot do this. I must look to God and have faith that God is going to pull me through it and give me the tools and the people necessary to do whatever it is God is asking me to do. Am I scared? Most definitely. Is it worth it? Most definitely. Will I continue to trust? Yes. Am I ready? NOT A CHANCE, there will always be days when I want to crawl in a cave and not come out, but I just have to trust that where I am called, God is leading me there. So I will follow ready or not.

Love is an ever fixed mark...

We have trivia night on Sunday night to kick off the new semester, so I have been trying to find some really good trivia questions. One of the rounds is "Film and Books," I love the movies and I love books, so I am sure it will be no surprise. 

The final question of the round is figuring out who wrote these words:

     "Love is not love which alters when alteration finds,

       Or bends with the remover to remove:

       O no! It is an ever fixed mark

       That looks on tempests and is never shaken."

Love. If you asked people around me they would probably say that love, through my eyes, is defined by what is found in storybooks. They would say I have my heads in the clouds and that I have unrealistic ideas about love. I was even accused of sounding like I had just stepped out of a movie once. Like I said I love books and movies, but I know love does not exist in the way it is portrayed in film and books. Love is more than that. Love is knowing the faults, yet loving anyways. Love is doing something that you don't really want to do so that the one you love can do it with you. Love is being quiet and listening to your loved one rant and when they are done, not trying to fix it. Love is putting someone else's needs before your own. Love can be unfair, it can hurt horribly if it goes wrong, and it can scar you for a while. Love can also heal the scars left behind. Love is beautiful and amazing. Loving someone can make you feel more alive than you have ever felt before. Love is protecting someone you love. Love is life. Love isn't like the movies it's better. Love is real and raw. Love is sticking together no matter how hard times get. Love is communicating even if means an argument, but love is also making up. 

All through my life I have watched love. Starting with my parents, who love each other when they hit rock bottom and when they are mad or happy. I saw families where the love simply disappeared, and the heartbreak that goes along with it. I have seen the love of a wife as she waits for her husband, surrounded by their family and friends, to come out of heart surgery. I have watched the love that my grandmother had for my grandfather as he died while she held his hand. I have seen older couples who continue to enjoy love and make it a part of the spice of life. I have learned a lot about love, but mostly I have seen it from God. Not just in the death and life of God's son but also in the grace and forgiveness that I see everyday. God has shown me how to love better than anyone else. Love is forgiveness.

I have thought a lot about love lately. I dream of the day I fall in love again and hopefully this time will be the last. I think about him often. What does he look like? What does he sound like? What does he do? What is his name? What is his family like? Will they like me? Does he like to dance? Does he want a big family? Who is this man that I dream of? Will he always simply be a dream?

Most of all thought I wonder if he would want to marry a pastor. When I made the decision to accept the call God placed on my life, I made it knowing that it would also be a calling that my husband and family would step into. I am scared that I won't meet someone that feels up to being a pastors husband. I mean, seriously, what man in their right mind would want to marry a pastor? 

Every night I pray for this man, for protection, for health, for hope. I pray that God would bring us together when "two hearts are ready" (now that is from a movie ;)). I pray that together we can be in ministry. I pray that God would continue to prepare me and him for being together. I pray that he will understand that I have accepted this call to itinerancy, and in marrying me he is accepting that call as well. I pray that together we make good choices for our family, and that he understands that I have prayerfully made the choices I have already made, and feel led to this. I pray for him.  

To the man that is the man in my dreams. I don't know who you are, but I know that I will always love you. I am excited about our future together and I know that one day we will meet, we will fall in love, and begin our new adventure together. Until then.... I will just keep dreaming! 

Child of God.

So I am in preparation for Discovery weekend, which is a youth spiritual growth retreat that is done completely on our campus. It's labor intensive and a lot of hard work. It is also one of those retreats where I have the joy of seeing kids use the gifts that they have in new ways.

Anyhow, I am preparing the Disciple group leaders guide for the weekend, and got my hands on a book called, "Prayer of the Heart." It is a book that teaches a person to use art as a spiritual practice. I was skimming the book, and looking for a certain idea, and came across a lectio devina exercise. I am honestly not a lectio devina kind of girl (I just cannot seem to get it), but continued reading, something in it caught my eye.

Lectio Devina, if you have not heard of it is a spiritual practice that consists of five basic steps: silence (centering yourself), reading, meditation, prayer, and contemplation. I wasn't reading the book to actually practice any of the exercises at the moment, I had a purpose, but isn't interesting how God finds purpose beyond our purpose. I found myself to being a part of this exercise. When it came to the time of reading, the book offered two readings, One was found in Proverbs. The other however was a quote by Marianne Williamson. It said this, "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves… Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?" Who am I? You are a child of God; your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking, so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are born to make manifest the glory of God within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in every one of us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give our people permission to do the same."

I was stunned. It took me by complete surprise. Especially since earlier today I was talking to a dear friend, and she said I was doing that thing I do. When I questioned what that thing was, she pretty much said you are making yourself smaller. I then responded with many times, I go ahead and knock myself down so that when I fail, I don't get completely crushed.

How crazy is that? I have knocked myself down time and again, saying that I am not good enough, I am not smart enough, I am not pretty enough… when the reality is I am a Child of God. I AM ENOUGH. Someone recently pointed out my fear of failure, and she told me that I failed everyday, we went through one of my days, and talked about all of the ways I had failed, but gotten back up and started again. Failing is inevitable, it doesn't mean though that we must belittle ourselves or others around us, to cushion the fall. Its going to happen, but like every other time you will get up. I love how the quote ends by saying, in some ways its not about you. If we let our light shine, if we be the person God created us to be, a child of God, then we will give permission to others to let their light shine. How beautiful is that? By being a child of God, God can use us to help someone else also be a Child of God.
Who am I? I am a child of God and that is ENOUGH!