Not what I thought it would be...

Today is just one of those days…

If someone asked me today how I was, my response would be, "I am fine."

The word fine is used when you really either don't want to talk about it, or you don't want to say I am bad, but you know you aren't good. So you say I am fine.

I honestly never thought my life would be the way it is. I saw it happening so differently. Let me preface this by saying, I really do have a wonderfully, blessed life, it just wasn't what I thought.

I had this idea growing up that I would fall in love in college, marry that person, have children and a career, and love my family forever.

While the first came true, I did fall in love in college, but it didn't work, and still two years later, I haven't met the one person that I want to spend my life with. I most definitely don't have children or that family that I have always dreamed of. And I am in a job, that growing up wouldn't have even been a possibility. My life isn't turning out the way I expected, and I am somewhat mourning that loss.

With that being said, I have a great life. I have a job that I love and feel called to, it has its ups and downs but what job doesn't. Even though I do not have children, I have many youth that I would love to consider my own, and I love them as such. I have a family that loves, cares for and supports me. I have friends who even if they are at home in their PJ's on their day off, welcome me over because I am having a crisis, and they love me even though I am sometimes an emotional wreck. I am truly blessed.

I don't know why things happen like they do. Whether its what some would call "divine intervention" or whether its based on a choice I have made, or even just a part of life. Life isn't what I expected.

It has great moments; like graduation, falling in love, children, marriage, a really good cookie or cake. It has hard moments; like finding out you or someone you love is sick, death, heartbreak, divorce, and sometimes even change. Even in those moments though I choose to believe that God is amongst them. What does that even mean? God is with us. How does that make us feel better when life isn't what we thought? It makes me feel better because just knowing that there is someone who is always present in every moment of our lives, and knowing that there is a being that loved me so much that they gave something up for me.

I guess when I think about it, I shouldn't actually mourn the life I don't have, I should be happy with the life I do have. I know one day all of those things will happen, I believe in that, it may not happen the way I think it will (I have to come to terms with that), but they will happen. It might be 20 years before I meet the love of my life, but I will meet him and love him. I might not ever have kids naturally, but I could adopt. Whatever happens, I should be happy with what I do have because the reality is there are so many others whose life isn't turning out the way they wanted to you, and you as a reader may be in the same boat, but maybe we can encourage one another to see the good and choose optimism rather than skepticism or pessimism. Maybe its reminding each other that God is with us, and that there are people in your corner even if you never know their name or hear their voice. Maybe its continuing to whisper in the ears of each other to "keep going." So friend, if you are reading this and you feel like you are "just fine" and aren't happy because your life isn't like you thought it would be, keep going, because maybe when you look back, you will find that your life was richer and happier and even more amazing than you ever thought it would be. Or you may look back and think I wish my dream had come true, but at least I gave everything that I had. My prayer for you is that you will find happiness in the life you lead, not in the dream of the life you wanted.

KEEP GOING!